A DROP IN THE OCEAN
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what this trip will mean for me, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, awesomely. Surprisingly one of the main things that have been running through my head has nothing to do with what awaits me overseas but I may be leaving behind here at home. Now I don’t want to be overly dramatic, it’s not like I’m leaving forever (only a year visa, unless they kick me out sooner) but it seems like whenever you begin to take a step towards a new adventure something presents itself. This comes in many forms, the most obvious of which is self-doubt, hesitation, and lack of confidence, but having already addressed all these issues I’ll choose to delve into something more personal.
I’ve created some great relationships over the years, friendships, brotherhood, and relationships of a more romantic nature. As I see my future drawing nearer and my past starting to fade into the rear view I can’t help but be reminiscent of squandered opportunities and failures on my part. For some reason it seems as you strive to move forward the many things we regret from our past decide that maybe they are fixable or workable. For the most part they are not, but that still can’t quell the aching of a heart of the remorse of a lost love. On top of that it seems to me as I’ve made this journey to find myself and discover a new and exciting adventure opportunities have arisen tempting me with the idea of holding me back. Not for the sake of encroaching on my journey but simply presenting themselves as new and exciting opportunities of their own.
That’s when the voice in my head kicks in, “You’ve screwed it up before, and walked away, how do you know you’re not doing it again.” I guess the honest answer is you can’t. What I’ve been looking for all along could have been staring back at me this entire time, and I think as my travel draws closer I’m becoming nostalgic of something that never has actually existed yet. Maybe it’s partially me looking for another excuse to stay behind, to not go out and explore and face my fears, and make mistakes and look stupid, and collect great stories. However, I hope it’s more than that. I hope I’m simply seeing a small slice of the whole proverbial “Pie”. I hope that I’m looking through the telescopic lens and defining my world to what I know and can see through that eye-hole, but I have to wait until I’ve left, till I’ve explored, till I’ve gallivanted through the outback. Only then will I truly understand that what I had to do the whole time was simply pull back from that scope, and look up at the vastness of the stars. Realize that as beautiful and mysterious as that little area of sky may be, it’s simply a drop in the ocean of what’s to come. But also to take comfort in knowing no matter where I end up when all is said and done, I can always use what I’ve learned and guide myself back to that little drop of sky. Maybe I’ve belonged there all along, I just don’t know it yet.