Sunday, August 2, 2015

Sex and Suds... What your partners beer choice says about their sexual performance

There are numerous theories out there about how to tell before taking the next step if your new potential partner is a good lover. While science has proven most women decide within the first eight seconds whether or not they'd sleep with a man, take a deep breath ladies, and follow these rules. Now it's true things like looks, sense of humor, wallet size, all come into account for most women, but if you really wanna know if your new potential beau is worth a tango in the sack, look no further. I present to you "SEX & SUDS... What your partners beer choice tells you about their performance in the sack."

For the sake of shortening this list for time, let's just group this whole first category together. Culture evolves based on trends and those who can keep up with them and stay ahead of the curve. All others will be left in the dust, and definitely are not worthy of seeing the family jewels. With this in mind we can pretty much assume that anyone who still consumes Big Brand Beers as their main source of beer consumption is pretty lame in bed. Don't get me wrong, most of us who are in tune with the industry have our "Shame Beers" as we call them. This is a beer you don't drink regularly, but when the time is right and the beer is ice cold, it's perfectly acceptable to crack a Budlight Lime, or a Corona. However, if your new love interest seems enamored with Big Brand Names (i.e. Bud, Coors, Miller, and all their affiliates) then you most likely have a sexual dud on your hands. 


Now if you enjoy completely vanilla sex, with no foreplay, no inventive bedroom ideas, and a lot of "I don't know what's wrong, that never happens" then feel free to scope out the frat guys at the bar. If you're ready for a real man, a real Don Juan de Cerveza, then skip the big brands and find your dream guy in the rest of this list.


Now you may be thinking to yourself, "But Lager? Isn't that what Budweiser and most light beer is?" The answer is yes, but mostly NO! Big brand lagers are nothing but watered down garbage malt, a true lager is a thing of beauty and should not be shunned simply because of the bad name bestowed to it by larger brands. The Lager Guy is not simply drinking Bud Heavy, he is an astute observer of all lagers and the varieties that they encompass. Though it's more complicated than what is a Lager and what is not, for the purpose of this we will classify "Lagers" as anything crisp, clean, and refreshing. Just like his beer of choice, the Lager Guy is not a complicated creature, he works hard, he plays harder, and he understands that though other varieties may offer more complexity, he can drink 12 of his brews while other craft beer drinkers may only drink 5 or 6. That's why the Lager Guy is the marathon man in the bedroom, he may not always hit it out of the park, but you can be sure within five minutes he's back and ready for round two, and three, and four and... 
**Beers to keep an eye out for... Weltenberger Barock Helles, New Belgium Shift, Avery Joe's Pilsner, Great Divide Hoss.**

It's true in recent years just like any other trends, Craft Beer has garnered it's fair share of beer snobs, no category of this is truer than what Craft Beer enthusiasts affectionately refer to as "Hop Heads". IPA's are arguably the most complex and largest ranging style of beer right now in America. It seems every new brewery that pops up is required to have an IPA as part of their flagship lineup, and while many due a good job, some simply fall short. An experienced hop head knows EXACTLY what they want in their IPA, whether it's subtle hop notes and a light balanced body, or a dark, hoppy, malt monster, that prevents them from tasting anything else for a week. This is why hop heads are great lovers, they know exactly what they want, and they are willing to give you exactly what you need. A choke and a hair pull get your blood pumping? Just ask and you shall receive. Maybe your more into whips and handcuffs, don't be shy, just ask for it. Just be careful with these guys, they are expecting exactly the same in return, so before you let your freak flag fly, make sure your sexual values are lined up. You don't want to be trading a slight ass slap for a ball gag and nipple clamps... or maybe you do?
**Beers to keep an eye out for... Bell's Two Hearted, Dogfish Head 60/90/120 minute, The Alchemist's Heady Topper, Terrapin Recreation Ale, Ballast Point Sculpin, Oskar Blues Deviant Dales, Lagunitas Hop Stoopid, Cigar City White Oak Jai Alai... Oh My God There's Too Many!!!!**

Great stouts, just like a great lover are a truly rare find. If you find yourself on your next Tinder date and Prince Charming orders something akin to motor oil for his glass, don't fret. You will soon come to realize that this gentleman enjoys his beer the same way he enjoys his women. If he knows what he's doing you will see him warm the glass with his hands, this is essentially "Beer Foreplay". He knows in order to get the most from his beer just like to get the most out of sex, he needs to warm it up before he just starts going to town. With a stout drinker, you can expect a man who will take his time with you, because sex just like beer gets better with time. Even though this may seem to go on almost too long sometimes, he knows that it's all about enjoying the moment, and the flavors, rather than just getting it over quickly. If you're not a fan of "two-pump chumps" and gentlemen who don't (ahem) return the favor, then find yourself a man who enjoys himself something dark and luxorious. 
**Beers to keep an eye out for... North Coast Old Rasputin, Oskar Blues TenFidy, Lagunitas Cappucino Stout... and if you want a man who will take you on a sexual journey of tantric proportions, Dogfish Head World Wide Stout**

There is a sect of Craft Beer drinkers that are compulsively obsessed with any and all styles of sour beers. Traditionally a Belgian and Flemish style this once rare commodity in the states has made a huge surge in recent years with huge festivals taking place exclusively focused on this style of beer. If you've never had a sour, you will most assuredly not like it upon your first taste. This is not to say sours are bad, in fact some of the best beers I've ever had (and I've had a lot) have been sours. However, our pallets are simply not used to this style when we first try them. Many times these styles use wild yeast strains and the resulting odor produced can be somewhat off putting at first (many people associate vinegar). But once you've let your pallete adjust and found something in your wheel house, you will find that you crave this style more than you ever thought you would. That's why the Sour Snobs are basically the "Christian Grey's" of the Craft Beer world. Most of us will admit that we like the idea of something a little kinky now and again, but Sour Snobs make this a part of their every day life, searching for the weirdest, craziest, most insane shit they can get their hands on, and their sex life is much the same. If you find yourself with someone ordering drinks that come in fancy glasses, with names you need a bachelor's degree to pronounce, tread lightly, because you have found someone who doesn't know the definition of the missionary position. 
**Beers to keep an eye out for... Duchesse de Bourgogne, Petrus Red, Cuvee Des Jacobins Rouge, Basically anything from Jolly Pumpkin** 

These lords of the brown town love nothing more than the sweet nutty goodness, of a toasty brown. Look for these guys in the bar, most likely wearing something with twead patches on it and sporting an epic lip sweater. This is the kind of guy who will talk to you all night about the real philisophical construct behind the great works of Shakespeare, is Iambic pentameter really that important? Um, I don't know is a hazelnut better than a peanut, of course it is! You can assume this gentlemen is studying something like Philosophy, or Creative Writing of Early Mesopotamia, and you won't have to wait long for him to tell you all about it. While not for everyone, this lover of all thing browns, will be the perfect fit for the occasional few. Expect him to treat you like a lady, take you home to his flat, with his two cats, Socrates and Aristotle, lay you down sweetly, and then whisper every so softly in your ear, "How do you feel about anal?"
**Beers to keep an eye out for... Lost Coast Brown Ale, Samuel Smith Nut Brown, Rogue Hazelnut Brown Ale, Bell's Brown Ale**

Well now you know, it's more important sometimes what's in the glass then what may appear in front of you. Next time your out trying to find "Mr. Right" make sure you discover the type of beer man you've come across, you can save yourself a lot of time if your looking for a "Hop Head" and you come across a "Sour Snob". This is not to say everyone falls perfectly within these categories, but more often then not I think you will find this list rings true. Just be sure as with anything, too much of a good thing (in this case beer) can turn even the most perfect man, into a bumbling fool. So drink up ladies, and gents, and leave your comments below to let me know what you think of my list and if there's anything I missed.

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