Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Guys Can Fake It Too: 4 Signs You've Been With A Dude Who Faked An Orgasm

It's the ultimate low blow. A kick in the juevos. A knife in the back.

"Et Tu Brutus!"

Every girl has it at their disposal, and while it's not always used as a weapon, it can crush a man's spirits if it is.

"O ya, well, I FAKED IT!"

This is not to say that all women use this tactic, in fact sometimes when they do, it's simply because they are actually trying to save the feelings of their current partner. I once dated a girl who would get the sniffles after she orgasmed. This was kind of the way I knew I'd done my job. But more than once I wasn't quite sure I had actually rocked her world into a case of congestion, or if she was simply trying not to hurt my feelings. But there's something many women seem to be unaware of... guys fake that shit too. Not all the time, and definitely not for the same reasons, but women seem to think they are alone in this art of deception. I'm here to tell you ladies, you are not, and if you've been with a decent sample size of dudes, odds are at one time are another you too have been on the losing end of a bad acting performance, whether you knew it or not.

This is, "Guys Can Fake It Too: 4 Signs You've Been With A Dude Who Faked An Orgasm."

4. The "Pull-Out and Run"

Have you ever been with a gentlemen caller, and things seem to be going extremely well for both parties, but it's lasting... a while. In your 20's this is great, and I've had many a whiskey fueled marathon session for one, two, even three hours, but as you get older, sometimes that shit just needs to end. You could probably see it on his face. The sweat building up, he's tried a few times to build up speed and momentum, but continues to lose steam. Maybe he's out of shape, maybe he's just fucking tired. 

Sometimes guys just know, after the fourth or fifth time jack-rabbiting, doesn't lead to a frutuitous conclusion, sometimes, you just want to finish. It probably played out that you were really enjoying this last attempt, so much so that you yourself were about to or in the process of climaxing. Your beau sees this on your face, times his grunt and facial distortion with your own, and then BOOM! Like a flash he springs out of bed like Usain Bolt from the starting blocks, and B-lines it straight for the bathroom. This might not seem so crazy, maybe he's a neat freak, but don't you think after that long he'd be a little too tired after finally cumming to shoot up like a rocket ship? Maybe, just maybe, he's running to cover up the evidence (or lack there of), with a quick hand wash, maybe a shower, and some time to let his little buddy stop standing at full attention. Sometimes you know it's just time to cash in your chips and try again in the morning. 

3. The "Phantom Grunt" 

When you've been with someone for a while, or if you just have amazing sexual chemistry, you get to a point where you can start to figure out their bodies. What they want, how they want it, and what it looks like when you're doing things the right way. This next sign is usually not a bad one, but rather a result of running on empty. Men unfortunately (unless they are trained in Tantra) only have so much fuel in the proverbial tank (i.e. sperm in their nuts) in any given session. Well it's great to find someone you can have sex with three, four, five (my record is seven) times in a single marathon session, unforunately we as men only have so much to um... give. 

After a certain amounts of times, even if we do cum, it's really no more than dust firing from an old starter pistol. If you've ever been with someone in one of these sessions and they seem to all of a sudden "finish" with a satisfied sigh, but there doesn't seem to be any evidence of a discharge, it can mean one of two things. Either one, something came out, but barely, or two he's reached his limit, he appreciates your enthusiasm, but it's time to cuddle, or netflix and literally "chill".

2. The "Quickie Condom Flush"

This one is very similar to the "Pull-out and Run", except this one assumes you're practising "safe sex", whatever that means (kidding safe sex is smart kids). For those of you who are old enough to remember "40 days and 40 nights" with Josh Hartnett should remember the infamous condom scene. Basically, sometimes you can't get your head right no matter who your with or how hot they may be. It could be (in Josh's case) the walls are literally caving in, or maybe it's stress from work or another part of everyday life. Now, I can't reasonably imagine a girl wanting to "see the evidence" of your sticky Trojan, but if you've ever had a guy pop off and race to destory said evidence as quickly as possible, odds are he was faking it.

1. The "David Blaine"

This is not to be confused with the Urban Dictionary version, of a much dirtier more graphic sexual episode (really innappropriate, but pretty funny if you have the time to check it out). This is rather when the guy your with seems to make his "evacuation" completely disappear. Maybe he does a quick wipe on the sheets, which somehow don't seem to look very wet or sticky after, or maybe he simply says he went inside, but you can find no evidence of this later. This could be for a variety of reasons, but most likely it all ties back into the same theme, sometimes you just can't cum. Unfortunately, unlike you lovely creatures, we are not so subtle, creative, or convincing in our acting techniques. Just know, unlike many women, this is not something we see as a bad thing, sometimes all the pieces just don't connect right. If you suspect you have fallen victim to any of these techniques, just ask yourself if the relationship ended after? Unless it was a one time thing, more than likely this didn't deter the guy from staying with you, he was simply too embarrased to admit he couldn't reach the finish line, and he didn't want you to feel bad about it.

And people say chivalry is dead. 

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